Don’t fucking tell me you know what I’m going through.
I don’t know anybody that does.
I’m all alone here. Nobody understands.
And I’m not just talking about being single.
I could care less about a relationship.
But where is my gay best friend?
Everyone I talk to just wants to flirt. Or fuck.
But the worst ones are those who want a relationship.
None of them get it.
They aren’t my type.
I lie to everybody. I say “I don’t have a type.”
But the truth is, I really do. I just don’t want to seem picky.
I am though. I’m stuck-up when it comes to this shit.
You dye your hair? That’s nice.
You like Gaga? Bye.
Flamboyant? Get the fuck out of here.
The only gay kids I like live in fucking Narnia.
All too often do I fall for the straight kid.
The latest would be one I work with.
Luckily, I’m not scheduled with him very often…
Hahahahaha. Ahhh, love is hopeless.
Fuck this, I’m going to play Skyrim.
I’m sick of life.
I’ve been single for way too long. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to go out and have relationships with people, but I’m afraid that they’ll never be what I imagine them to be in my head. I was also just played recently… two-timing bastard. It’s shitty because I had really liked the guy. This was our second time around talking, and I was becoming really comfortable with him, imagining that he was my ideal kind of guy for a relationship. Then reality hits and reminds me of why I’m going to be single forever. Ha. I think I’ll stick to my fantasy of marrying David Archuleta from now on. Surely he’s different from all the other guys I’ve liked. Oh, that’s right. He’s straight. Fml.
I’m sick of never wanting to go hang out with others, too. I always feel like the third wheel. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t have a best friend anymore. Sure, I’ve grown close to a lot of people in the past few months, and I’ve confided quite a bit with these people- but I still don’t feel comfortable enough to show these people what I look like in sweatpants and my bedhead.
I’m not where I want to be. I feel like I’m living a life that isn’t mine anymore. It’s because I’m working two jobs now. I love Cold Stone; with a passion. I’m most likely going to cry when I have to leave. But my second job, at Bath & Body, isn’t what I want to be doing. They expect me to be so much more pushy in selling than I’m comfortable being. I’m the type of shopper that likes to be greeted and then left alone, but these guys… they want me to be all over the customers. Finding out what they like, suggesting other fragrances, leading them to different things across the store. I won’t be there much longer… the extra money is nice, but that’s a promise.
School is bullshit. I can’t help but wonder if this is even beneficial to me anymore. Especially now that I don’t have time outside of school because of work, I’m not getting a chance to sit down and study. Ha. That’s a joke anyway. I don’t have the motivation to study. I’m always so tired now. I don’t want to study when I finally have free time. I should have taken this semester off, but I know that I would probably never come back if that were the case. I could see myself enjoying my freedom too much.
Good, God. I want to leave. Not just this shit-hole town, or this shitty state. I want to get out of this fucking country. I’ve never had such a desire, or been more determined to go to Ireland than I feel right now. I don’t know what it is about moving to a different country that will cure my depressed-like state. The men there seem perfect, with their incredibly attractive accents and personalities. Curse the day I ever saw the movie P.S. I Love You. That shit made me believe that that country is where I’ll be finding the love of my life and escaping the troubles that I think I’m facing everyday.
I guess it’s kinda bullshit that the first thing I write when coming back is basically one giant rant. But I don’t give a fuck.
For starters, I’m up at three in the morning because the damn red bull I drank on the way home from a four hour car ride is just now kicking in. Of course, as I drink it in the car I’m only more tired and manage to fall asleep, yet now that I’m in a nice comfortable bed I can’t sleep for shit.
I’m just so pissed right now. I cannot wait until graduation and finally turning eighteen. Cause then, I am sooo gone.
Shit always hits the fan when I’m away from home, and of course no one is up this early for me to talk to anybody about it. I just really wish I have the ability to cry- because I have an intense urge to just let it all out. Idfk why I can’t cry, but this is one of the only times I’ve ever wished I could.
There’s just too much on my plate right now. School/senior project, prom, friends, family, boy(s). It never comes one at a time- just one big fucking wave.
I just need arms around me. Right cause that’s gonna happen right now
So obviously I haven’t updated this in a while. My bad. Haaa. I’ve been really busy, though- so it’s all good.
I’ve been going to a lot of hockey games lately because we’re in the playoffs, and I cannot even begin to describe how crazy the last game I saw was. Our team clearly kicked the other team’s ass (6-0) but there was so much intensity during the whole game. It was exciting as fuck. Hockey is definitely becoming my new favorite. There’s another reason why I go too, but that’s whatever. Probably mythological & yes, I’m prepared to leave you wondering with what that may mean, because I’m not saying shit. (:
Scariest experience happened to me yesterday, too.
I was pulled over for the first time ever! I can’t even deny that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, though, because I was hardcore speeding. He tagged me at 43 mph in a 25 and he says that was after I was slowing down, but honestly, I don’t ever remember using the brake pedal. I didn’t see the guy at all- damn, he was well hidden. It wasn’t until after I passed by him that my friend alisa had said something. I didn’t think anything of it because I’ve always been lucky in getting away with shit, and sure enough; there were the cherries & berries in my rearview mirror. I pulled over, thinking “Okay, he’s going to pass by. He’s just going after someone else.” Nope- not so lucky…
Because it was my first time he dropped the speed down to 35 so the ticket wouldn’t be as much, and to make matters worse, my plates were expired! I had no clue, and I guess they have been since november. Hahah- oops. Although that part isn’t my fault. I didn’t have my registration with me either! It was sitting in my mom’s car! The cop thought we had stole the car and he questioned me and everything. It was sooo scary.
So this morning, I took a different way to school. Just in case he would be waiting there again
Oh how I love covers. I think I could spend an entire day on Youtube just looking up random songs. Hah. But seriously, there are some people who need some recognition; I swear, I’ve heard people who should already have record deals and whatever a pop-star is entitled to.
Hmm, I don’t think I can remember what the last thing I wrote on here was. That’s not exactly a good sign, huh? Lol. I know I said it in my last post the other day, but I really should keep up with this. I have another blog afterall, so it’s not like I forget. I just put it off.
I’m currently grounded. I made some pretty stupid decisions over my recent winter break. Rather- I was stupid at getting caught. It seems like I’m always in trouble. I swear. I should really behave! Ha. Or maybe I just need some chill parents? Either way, it’s not like I can change anything.
I guess my latest thing is thinking about how people live in the past. But that’s all it is. The past! It drives me insane how people bring up past events in arguements, or always mention your mistakes. It’s like “Awesome, thanks for reminding me for the 15th time. I’m so glad I have you here so I don’t forget about that night.” How is anybody supposed to learn from them if you talk about what you did. Ohh, now I’m just getting angry. Ha. But that’s what this was partially created for- to vent and release my frustrations in a safe atmosphere where people cannot bitch and ridicule me.
So lately, because I cannot actually go out and do anything, I’ve been reading Breaking Dawn. Well, rather I only got it two days ago, and I only have 200 some pages left. It’s quite exciting actually. Sometimes I have a hard time putting it down. Lol.
I think I’ll end on this positive note. Besides, just talking about the book again makes me want to go read it, atm. Ha!
Some people just piss me off.
Groundings are pointless and personally, I think they’re dumb as fuck. Excuse my French. I really don’t believe anything good comes from a grounding and you know what, I think it can make things worse. Great thing that I have a lot of free will and strength because I’m resisting this ridiculousness.
I thought I would have more to write. Idk, now that I’m actually here my mind drew a blank… Of course /:
Except! My mind has been going absolutely crazy lately! No, I promise it’s not thyroid problems… It’s more like a guy at school I’m starting to really like- again. Oh god, this blows. You see, I liked this kid back in 8th grade but things really didn’t work out; probably because he’s straight. Or was? Idk, now I’m having mixed feelings and impressions about him. It makes my brain hurt. Hahah. Oh this is so sad. It’ll probably end up in heartbreak and bad tastes just like it did four or so years ago.
I guess this is just a short venting period. Should make for some interesting reading right? Chyeah, right…