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affected.

I was doing really well today.
Everytime a thought of you came up I denied myself the opportunity to think.
I doubled my efforts on working or switched the subject.
It was difficult, but I did my best.

But it was as if some torturous force wouldn’t let me forget.
You were brought up in class and it got me thinking.
It was hard to focus at first, & I’m surprised I got over it.
Denying the possibility made it easier to shut you out.

I’m realizing that this is what I’ll have to do to regain some normalcy.
It took six weeks of thinking, hoping, and wondering about events that I believed would happen.
Six weeks that were both the best and worst of my senior year.
But these were six weeks I’ll never get back, and I’m not prepared to spend another six on this false hope.

Maybe someday the questions will come back up and if it does then I’ll go back to thinking about it.
As of now, there’s nothing more I can do.
Thoughts only get a person so far- the truth is is the only thing that matters though, and that’s what I don’t have.
Admitting this to myself is the important step in forgetting this ever happened.
Hopefully, I make it work.

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& days blur together

My emotions are completely whacked. I never thought I could feel this much stress, pain, and confusion at one time.
Yesterday didn’t blow over well at work. My supervisor had me running like a dog with one of the hardest jobs I’ve had to do yet, and hopefully it doesn’t get worse than this.

I’m also unsure about a lot of things now. Having a job really puts things into a new perspective, like the fact that I was scheduled 32 hours this week- it’s insane. I feel like I’m never home anymore and it’s cutting into all of my relationships in a drastic way. “Am I really ready to be a part of the working world?” I’ve asked myself this question a few times over the past few days. The thing about having a job is that it means I’ve grown up. I’ll have to make decisions now that are going to change my life forever. And with school coming up, I’m worried that I won’t be able to balance a job and my school work if I’m busy. I’m hoping there won’t be too many 30+ hour weeks, at least during the school year.

I don’t know right now. I’m saying that to myself a lot. I need a job, but I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to grow up, end high school, move out, and face the future. I’m scared.
How scared, you may ask… I’ve been on the verge of crying a few times this week. And I never cry. The last time had to have been 4 or 5 months ago.
The future is scary, and I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to face it yet.

& I’m exhausted

The title says it all.

I am so extremely tired. Work today was fun, like usual, but for some reason today’s shift kicked my butt. Maybe it’s cause it was my first 8 hour day. I learned that there’s a lot more to stock than what I was doing the first time around- it all depends on the hours you work, I guess. Today’s stuff was confusing at times, but nothing I won’t be able to do after a few times.

I also had some more interesting experiences! Such as being called up for cashiering about 5 times because people came in such huge waves.
Another would be the man who tried to walk out with watches, twice! It was crazyyy!

My knees and heels are killing me from all the walking; but they’ll just have to get used to it. I still love my job, which is all that matters, but a lot can change after the first 5 days (;

& it continues

So I’m doing this on my blackberry. I’m bored as fuck, too

My sister has some sort of horse training thing, so I’m sitting in the truck killing time. It’s unbelievably hot and I’m getting tired. It smells and there’s absolutley nothing to do. Thank god this truck has Sirius radio, other wise I would have killed myself by now. Hahaha, jk

Today just sucks in general. My car was towed this morning because it’s a piece, and I don’t know if I’ll have it to drive to work tomorrow. I really don’t want to get stuck driving this huge truck. I should have a Kia /:

Ha. All I’ve done is bitch. But today had no positive whatsoever. I just can’t wait for tomorrow; new day, and my first official shift for work

I’ll update later. Peace