I really screwed things up.
I don’t know why I’m surprised.
No matter what I do,
I always mess shit up.
But now I have the chance to fix it.
You’re inviting me into your future.
Do I pass this up? I want to say I’ll go.
Are you going to remember when the time comes?
I won’t invite myself. I don’t like to intrude.
All of me hopes you were serious in your offer.
I get excited when I think about it.
I’ll finally get to you.
I couldn’t imagine anything better.
Especially now, at this moment.
Rock bottom is getting closer.
I’m sinking more everyday.
Be my lifeguard.
You have the experience.
You can save me.
I pray that you save me.
I don’t know how I did it.
How I was able to push you out of my head,
It’ll forever remain a mystery.
I’m not going to think about it though.
That would just be letting you back in,
& I’m glad you aren’t there anymore.
I think I finally realized that I was played.
Somebody broke down my defenses,
Managing to plant my dearest enemy in me-
But it doesn’t matter anymore.
Though it still lingers there inside, it’s meaningless now.
I have a new problem, though.
Where you once held a place in my head
It has been replaced by someone else.
This time I’ll stop myself early on,
Before I begin believing in false thoughts.
It won’t be hard. It shouldn’t be.
My previous years of experience in disappointment
has prepared me for things like this.
June cannot come soon enough.
The summer should keep me plenty busy;
I won’t have a social life to worry about then.
Something I want to forget right now.
I don’t sleep until the next day starts,
& I’m awake for all the wrong reasons.
It was better when I had you to talk to.
You were the perfect excuse to stay up
and use my time for sleeping to talk.
Then shit went wrong,
But it wasn’t something I expected.
Nor was it wrong at the time.
It was logical, right, and needed.
You agreed, but I knew you were disappointed.
And when my plan went downhill you weren’t there.
I didn’t blame you.
We went separate ways;
it had been forever since our late night conversations.
How could I have expected you to wait?
Talking after the fact was different.
I learned an important lesson,
You learned to forget.
I was hurt but I didn’t tell you.
It was nothing you should have been burdened with.
Looking back on everything, I wonder what would have happened.
What if we hadn’t severed communicating?
What if we had stayed best friends?
Would I have finally got my chance to sit under the stars with you?
Would we have had something more?
I would never change what I did.
I live without regrets, but I choose to learn from mistakes.
It won’t stop me from thinking about the possibilites, though.
I could never forget those.
I don’t think I’d want to.
I can remember certain parts of our conversations,
even the parts I would prefer to forget.
And after the hints, I finally let go.
Sometimes I wish I would have persisted,
but I knew you enough to understand that wouldn’t have been right.
I miss you & I miss the conversations. [BJM]
I was doing really well today.
Everytime a thought of you came up I denied myself the opportunity to think.
I doubled my efforts on working or switched the subject.
It was difficult, but I did my best.
But it was as if some torturous force wouldn’t let me forget.
You were brought up in class and it got me thinking.
It was hard to focus at first, & I’m surprised I got over it.
Denying the possibility made it easier to shut you out.
I’m realizing that this is what I’ll have to do to regain some normalcy.
It took six weeks of thinking, hoping, and wondering about events that I believed would happen.
Six weeks that were both the best and worst of my senior year.
But these were six weeks I’ll never get back, and I’m not prepared to spend another six on this false hope.
Maybe someday the questions will come back up and if it does then I’ll go back to thinking about it.
As of now, there’s nothing more I can do.
Thoughts only get a person so far- the truth is is the only thing that matters though, and that’s what I don’t have.
Admitting this to myself is the important step in forgetting this ever happened.
Hopefully, I make it work.
I thought I knew everything,
that I had all of this figured out.
Now I’m not so sure anymore.
I think it’s safe to say I’ve given up.
Something happened as things were processing.
It changed how I feel about a lot of things.
I’ve slowly been losing my mind,
even after I said I wouldn’t let this happen.
Now I tell myself to forget it all.
Joke, hoax, fallacy- it doesn’t matter.
I fell for it. Comics weren’t the enemy,
Fooled, played, tricked.
Gullable was written all over me.
I’d laugh and say I knew the entire time.
Deep down I did, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t believe.
And maybe it wasn’t belief- just a strong hope.
Hope lead to denial.
Denial lead to defiance.
Defiance to lies.
Lies to heartbreak.
When the sun rises I’ll redraw the smile.
I’ll ignore the temptation to think.
I’ll laugh and joke.
I’ll go back into fooling people that I’m alright.
I may never get over it.
I may never want to.
But I need to clean the closet.
Ironic- because I thought someone else would.
There’s too much stress. Too much for me to worry about.
Splitting my mind between my priorities and you is a daunting task.
I can’t find a way to set aside time for each.
It leads to fear and I can’t control it.
I never lose control, and when I do I feel vulnerable.
I don’t have a clue as to who you are,
but like a puppeteer you weild my strings and you don’t even know.
But there’s more than just the lack of control I fear.
It’s the possibility that I will revert back to my old ways that scares me.
More than the loss of control.
I’m battling with myself. I try and remain positive.
It’s now that I wish I’m perfect.
I pick out imperfections that I wish to change.
Some are possible, other’s not.
I realize I have to live with myself & I’m not excited about it.
I hope perfect isn’t what you’re looking for,
because I’m far from.
The thought of rejection.
That’s my biggest fear.
It was late and we were lying in bed.
Your arms were around me, your face buried in my neck.
We were breathing in unison and it was the only thing I heard.
I loved this moment. I wanted it to last forever.
“I love you.”
It was the first time I said it to you.
You didn’t respond. I thought you had already fallen asleep.
Comforted, I drifted off.
I had the best dream of my life that night.
You were in it, of course.
It showed us in the future. Happy and still in love.
I was excited to tell you when I woke up.
When I opened my eyes, your spot was empty.
I called out your name, thinking you were in the bathroom.
But there was only silence.
I was confused, scared, worried.
Then I noticed it.
The note was sitting on your pillow.
I didn’t want to open it, but my fingers reached for it.
The only words that were on it.
Two words that while saying so much,
also said nothing at all.